Christmas TV commercials are always the vanguard of holiday yuck, but this year is special. You’ve seen my rant about skipping Thanksgiving and going straight to Black Thursday, but these commercials are a new low. Christmas is supposed to be a time of generosity and goodwill, a time to give each other a break, and to be our best selves. These ads are a car wreck of selfishness and greed. America, this is not your best moment.
So in honor of the occasion, I hereby proclaim the first annual Slow Christmas Fail Awards. There was stiff competition in this our first year, but here are the cream of the crop, this year’s Failies, America’s most craven and hollow holiday ads:
1st prize: Crazed, stiletto-wearing woman “training” for Target’s Black Friday deals. Note how she engages in shopping as a competitive sport, instead of the real athleticism this actress obviously pursues off-camera to look so toned in a big red jumpsuit. One giant steaming lump of coal for gender equality.
2nd prize: Second prize goes to a suite of commercials that I like to call the “Santa Failies”. A generation of scarred kids is born:
Look, Santa is a car salesman! That’s so perfect, because everybody trusts car salesmen!
In this one, Santa has nothing on ruthless savvy mom, who scoops him by getting deals at a big box store! Look out world, another crazed mom is on the rampage, competing to buy her kids this year’s best landfill fo…ahem…toys. Nothing helps you get into the Christmas spirit more than strung-out supermoms (anyone else wondering where the dad is?), big-box stores that make Santa obsolete, and snarky comments in front of the fire.
Look, Santa forsakes his sleigh and drives off in a red sportscar! Because that’s what we want to be teaching our kids!
I’ve seen another one where Santa advises a guy to buy a rolex for his wife. Hey, just like the guy with the trench coat near a subway station! Can’t find this one online, but I’m hoping it’s because they’ve taken it down.
3rd prize: Kohl’s does the frantic Target woman one better with this grabby woman who pushes an old lady out of the way to get to the front of the line, all to the tune of the pre-teen internet sensation song “Friday.” Boy, this one operates on multiple levels of wrong. It’s actually kind of impressive. All I can figure is that Kohl’s must be operating under the age old adage that there’s no such thing as bad press.
Honorable Mention: I don’t know about you, but when I’m in the middle of making snow angels with the man I love, what I’m really thinking about is DIAMONDS….
Honorable Mention: Urban hipster gives girlfriend a white Lexus SUV for Christmas. And because they’re young and hip, it’s parked at a meter downtown with a big bow on it. Yeah, that would happen.
That Lexus one’s so bad, even other car companies are making fun of it!
In the midst of all this cynical marketing, some retailers are bucking the consumer frenzy. Or, maybe they’re just marketing to a different demographic:
Patagonia took out a full-page ad in the New York Times, asking people to “buy less and to reflect before you spend a dime on this jacket or anything else.” A few wise souls noted they don’t always practice what they preached, and Patagonia responded pretty candidly: “The test of our sincerity (or our hypocrisy) will be if everything we sell is useful, multifunctional where possible, long-lasting, beautiful but not in thrall to fashion. We’re not yet entirely there. Not every product meets all these criteria. Our Common Threads Initiative will serve as a framework to advance us toward these goals.” (Hat tip to Felix Cheng for sharing!)
Patagonia’s not alone: Seventh Generation, the venerable but not flashy green cleaning products line, is also posting on its blog and Facebook page The Seventh Generation Guide to Reducing Holiday Packaging with tips about reducing and reusing wrapping materials.
Now, a dear anarchist friend of mine might argue that what Patagonia and Seventh Generation are doing is just slicker and possibly more cynical marketing. I’ll admit, there’s some pretty bad greenwashing out there, and it’s a good idea to approach all marketing with a sack of industrial rock salt. But I still believe that we should be rewarding the companies that recognize that there’s market value in honesty and integrity.
I am also of the mind that while most television is bad, not all of it is. TV is still the source of those rare and wonderful Christmas specials where generosity of spirit reigns. So rather than buy a bunch of DVDs or blurays or whatever they’re called this year, I still prefer to catch the Christmas specials the old-fashioned way, when they air on cable. If you’re like me, check out the TV schedules for when to watch, here, here and here. And please, don’t forget to hit mute or fast forward during the commercials!
Finally got a chance to read this. Thanks for the shout out.
I don’t know much about how Seventh Generation is run, but my understanding is that – as companies go – Patagonia is actually pretty good. And they have a lot of interesting horizontal management stuff that us anarchisty people love. So I don’t see them as greenwashing the same way that Kraft does when they put rainforests on their packaging.
Interestingly, both Seventh Generation and Patagonia are privately owned companies – so are not beholden to a bunch of stockholders looking for big short term profits.